As if my opinion of the British Royal Family could sink no lower, this weekend’s Fergie sting reaffirmed all of my republican sympathies and reignited my rampant enthusiasm for slashing the civil list.
Literally days after Sarah Ferguson was filmed accepting a princely sum for hiring out her ex husband, our sovereign is trotting out the traditional performance of opening parliament.
Today’s Queen’s Speech is a timely reminder that although parliament is changing amid the new coalition government’s talks of spending cuts, sacrifices and job culls within the public sector – one particular group of people continues to hold the system back clinging on to tradition, pomp and a sense of entitlement.
The ceremonial opening of parliament, with the procession, the ermine, the door slamming and the many knobs, irks me to the point of ranting (that much is demonstrated here).
Haven’t we graduated past all of this yet? Haven’t we evolved as a society enough so that those who have ‘titles’ don’t have to prove in ceremony to all of us common folk that they are of a greater stock worthy of pageant, inane custom and decorative splendour and that is why they have power?
I suppose that would be a valid claim to shut us little people up if it weren’t for the fact that our constitution no longer requires the sovereign to use her power in any way other than ceremonially.
Oh but she appoints new governments and her place is written into the constitution.
So cut out all of that tedious Royal Mile taxiing and let it be a matter left to the ministers and the (elected) Lords. Why should we continue to pander to this nonsensical tradition when decisions like these lie within the powers of the voter and the Prime Minister. Similarly, our constitution is ‘unwritten’ meaning that it is writ both in legislation (no single document) and its origins exist in common law. Constitutions can shift. It would hardly destroy the country by keeping the balance of democratic power within the very house of democracy in this country, The House of Commons.
But the Queen brings in a huge income for the country in tourism.
Good point. Think how much MORE money we could make from opening up Buckingham Palace and Windsor Castle to the public. Balmoral could be the new Warner Leisure destination for this decade.
I digress. And I’m being facetious. Back to the ceremonial opening of parliament.
Indeed, the circus act is entirely ornamental and sentimental as not only does the Queen have no control over her speech, but she has no real control over the UK either. If she ever disagreed with the government’s decision on legislation there would be civil outrage.
The government and we as a people have an enormous mountain of debt to climb. And yet characters like Fergie are harping on about only living off £15,000 a year before closing a deal on a cool half million in pimping out her ex husband. The old camera-in-the-pot-pourri strikes again thanks to sleazy Sunday journalism. That aside, the information is in the public realm and Fergie’s little deal far outweighs a covert filming operation when it comes to the best interests of the public.
GMTV’s John Stapleton missed the point slightly when he argued that many people live on the above amount and less per year. The fact is it is £15,000 allowance. There is no way that a woman like Fergie, with connections, an education and a multi-syllabic vocabulary would have to ever accept a salary of £15,000. Even I’m on more than that and I basically know nobody. And in any case, her feeble mitigation is offset somewhat by her recently reported fee from Weightwatchers – a lucrative deal set to hoist her out of multi-million pound debt.
Great! If Weightwatchers will pay, that’s none of my business. After all we all have to earn a living. Just don’t tell us you’re living off £15,000 from the Privy Purse, subsidised by the Duchy of Lancaster and kept topped up by the Treasury. In administration alone, the Privy Purse is a parasite on the economy.
I have nothing personal against Fergie or indeed the Queen, although I think the blinkered views of many Brits needs an almighty revolution. New Labour promised us reform on a Cromwellian scale. However, Labour’s sour-tasting failure over reforming the House of Lords and indeed the Civil List prompted many to look to the Liberal Democrats for a more egalitarian and less tethered approach towards the Royal Family. Their will may well be muzzled by their new partners.
Even so, we have developed a system of government and distribution of power that has left the Queen behind. We treat the ceremony of it like wheeling out the Christmas decorations every year and blowing the dust off the fairy. I think it would be presumptuous to say that people care more about Christmas than the Royal Family but at least the former comes out of our personal income.
So, for a country so obsessed with bargains, chasing cashiers who have charged us without punching in the voucher code, budget supermarkets, Primark – why is it, that we can’t unhook ourselves emotionally from the most expensive household in Europe?
The Queen and her entourage of grandchildren, corgis and dithering fops costs the country a figure closing in on £40 million per annum. Although that amount stretches out to a less frightening sum of money equivalent to a Snickers bar in a train station newsagent per person, to quote another British institution, every little helps.
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Tags: ceremony, civil list, Cromwell, custom, dated, economy, Fergie, government, hangers on, Labour, Liberal Democrats, parliament, Prince Andrew, privy purse, Queen, republican, state opening, the Queen, tradition, treasury
I’ve covered in some detail what to wear on Election Night, which is all well and good for feeling good on the outside, however, Election Night is a long, veritable marathon of polls, percentages and very dull talking heads – and sensible people such as myself aren’t likely to make it to the first announcements in the wee hours without adequate fuel.
Election Night also poses logistical issues. An avid politics-blogger or Dimbleby-addict is unlikely to sit up straight at the dining table and act any more pleasantly than a passenger on the Cold Turkey bandwagon and so for once, just once, they must be appeased with the fateful ordeal that is the television tea. Splashing, dropping and dolloping must be avoided at all costs for this to succeed and not degenerate into a family feud so everybody misses George Alagiah’s announcement that George Osborne is in fact a cousin of the Millibands revealing the freakish resemblance to JK Rowling’s fictitious family tree linking the Malfoys to Sirius Black.
Alas, only one foodstuff springs to mind which has the stamina to withstand an evening of picking, tastes good hot or cold, and the ingenious structure allowing minimal soft furnishing damage when eaten on teetering lap-top plates.
The ideal Election Night food is of course, pizza. Perfect, if you make too much, because late-night feasting is required if you want to prevent your party from becoming cranky and irritable (which is already enough of a problem with the inevitability of Michael Gove and William Hague making an appearance).
So, to prove that I can be impartial politically (at least where food is concerned), I have devised pizza toppings to represent the four main democratic parties; Labour, Liberal Democrats, Green and Conservatives.
La Labouroni
A robust, family favourite. A solid stone-baked base with a nutritious, additive free sauce topped with Red Leicester cheese (locally produced), spicy sausage (imported) and lots of red peppers and tomatoes (for your Five a Day). Best washed down with some brown ale. Two for One offer.
Liberali Democrati
Growing in popularity even though it’s been on the menu for a while. A crispy, stodge-free base with a slight spreading of red sauce (but made to an improved recipe), a liberal amount (geddit) of English cheddar cheese, yellow pepper (imported from Europe) and sweetcorn (to see if it makes it to the other side). Student discount available.
Conservatina 
Popular with yuppies in the 80s but having a comeback with families with expensive tastes. A solid, British base made from organic flour, and vegetables from the British greenhouse including a tomato sauce (not too spicy so delicate stomachs can handle it), aubergines and Portobello mushrooms (because it’s a good neighbourhood and my friend lives there). Finished with a few shavings of Harrod’s Food Court’s finest Gran Padano and prosciutto for an extra charge.
Pizza Verde
The vegetarian option. A thin but elastic wholemeal base with seasonal toppings including a tomato sauce, asparagus, organic courgette and green-house produced green peppers. Grated tofu optional. Don’t knock it until you’ve given it some attention.
Okay so that perhaps was a bit more partisan than I had anticipated… or do I mean parmesan?
That was a terrible joke. Feel free to wipe it from your memory.
I will be making all four of these pizzas tomorrow night and I will be posting pictures of how they turn out and updates on how well they went down with everybody.
Remember, voters, to go to the polling stations tomorrow and cast your vote. If you don’t know who to vote for yet then look again at these pizzas and decide which one you like best if it helps you make a decision.
Pizza Updates!
05/05/10
22:59 – Pizza bases have baked after a mild panic and throwing around mad clouds of flour after discovering I’d put too much water in the breadmaker. Now all four are out and golden.
Two pizza bases, two more cooking in the oven.
06/05/10
18:00 – Back from Tesco. NO AUBERGINES! Looks like the Tories will have to be underrepresented (chortle). Preparing veg.
21:09 – Have just finished uploading pics after a long evening of cooking then eating. This is what happened.
Prepared toppings. 
Delicious pizzas.
Gone!
Now I think that the Labour pizza won. People liked the Green pizza but craved the meat, the Tory pizza was gobbled up but it didn’t do as well as the Lib Dem one. SO Labour first, Lib Dem second, Tory third and Green fourth.
I suppose it doesn’t make it fair that delicious food tends to be red… but this was never in any way meant to represent the voting public.
Happy Election Night! xxx
Filed under: Food, Journalism, Liberal Democrats, News, Politics, Thoughts, Writing | 1 Comment
Tags: Conservatives, Election 2010, election night, Food, Green party, Labour, Liberal Democrats, Pizza, Politics, voting
The third and final Leaders Debate (I always worry about whether there ought to be an apostrophe in there somewhere… that is the pedantic editor in me talking) was shown on the BBC last night. It marks the end of the campaign for many as the postal votes have begun their Royal Mail journey home to Returning Officers and minds are already being made up.
Doubtless the release of the manifestos followed by the debates gives the electorate a good overview of each party, nevertheless, the buck doesn’t stop there – it comes right down to your little home town.
People seem to forget that the voting system counts on a local level before it is tallied up on a national level. Needless to say, the debates have made an enormous impact on the country’s opinion of the so-called underdog, and we must look at the parties on a national level before bringing our focus in on who our vote really counts towards on home soil.
After Clegg galloping into first place after the first debate, I think in hindsight it was fair to assume that after a very healthy boost in popularity (and recognition), he has plateaued on a consistently high rating in the polls with many putting him in first place, the remainder in second.
I do not think that this is an anticlimax for the Lib Dems, after all, one of the first Tweets during the opening credits of ITV’s flagship debate broadcast was “who’s this guy?” when the cameras panned to Clegg for his opening speech. I hope the Lib Dem’s popularity has risen not just because of Clegg’s photogenic media appearances (and lack of skeletons jumping out the closet – always good), but because of their policies and manifesto.
I remain ambivalent about Labour. Without having to mention a certain Gate this week, which in my opinion was non-news and merely a tactless gaffe on behalf of a man who ought to know better but hardly deserving the rigamarole of splashes it achieved given that it was a relatively innocuous exchange, voters are still divided.
I am not against Labour in all principals. And I would not vote Conservative however I do not treat them with anywhere near the same vehemence as some. I have aligned myself with a party that I agree with the most which is the Liberal Democrats; for Europe, for maintaining a link to the Euro should we see to gain from it in the global marketplace, for electoral reform, for a progressive approach to immigration and protecting helpless refugees even if they got here illegally, for smaller class sizes, tax breaks for low-earners, alternative systems for defence namely nuclear weaponry projects and of course for their hard line on banks and bonuses and taxing the very rich.
I am not going to go into the ins and outs of why I wouldn’t cast my vote in the direction of the Conservatives but apart from the fact that the Thatcher Government ruined life for much of my family in Scotland, the party is crammed with Euro-sceptics and career politicians who like to feather their own nests, and don’t even get me started on George Orsborne – they aren’t a party I score highly.
Labour, like I said before, I am ambivalent about. Unquestionably, Gordon Brown and Alistair Darling are equipped for dealing with the recovery (however no more than Vince Cable), but pussy-footing around the banks and neglecting defence reviews to the fatal detriment of our troops have put me off. Doubtless, the education system has flourished under Labour. I am lucky enough to have seen the schools improve drastically under their government including better science equipment and happier teachers – I am conversely lucky to have escaped Top-Up Fees (take a point off for them there).
Similarly, the child of the Labour Party, the NHS is a jewel in the British system. I couldn’t speak against any party you know will nurture and protect the valued healthcare model we run in this country.
However, these last few years has been a challenge, despite being in a considerable amount of debt which comes to a figure way over my current salary, I have been victim to the fact that the government did not make room for graduate employment even though it is a thing that ought to have been anticipated.
Gordon Brown said last night that Labour created 200,000 apprenticeships. That figure does not come anywhere near the figure that was needed to keep the vast majority of school-leavers and graduates out f the Job Centres.
I so, however, admire the strength of the Labour Party and the promises they make to those who need their help the most, however I am more in tune with the Lib Dems.
Voters should remember, also, that their vote is counted on a local level. The voting system needs to change but we must acquiesce in the meantime to first-past-the-post voting. Voters should take a good, hard look at their local candidates and the general consensus within the constituency.
I attended a debate between five of my local candidates on Wednesday. It was excellent because it gives the public a clear idea of just who they are voting for. For instance, out of the five candidates the only two with any real power in their public appeal was Lord of the Manor, Alan Duncan MP (whom you all know I am sure, batting for the Tories) and Grahame Hudson for the Liberal Democrats.
The independent candidate was strong but I will not be using my vote as a protest this time around. The Labour candidate was very weak, disagreed with many of his party’s policies and jabbered constantly with vacuous rhetoric, and the UKIP guy was out of his tiny tree.
Let me quote.
“The sun never sets on the British Empire.”
And
“Notable scientists such as David Bellamy dispute climate change as a myth built on lies.”
Ha!
In this instance, to combat the Tories (or Alan Rations Duncan), the Liberal Democrats are by far and away Rutland and Melton’s best chance of getting an MP with integrity and intelligence, who is not a career politician and upholds everything we have seen from the party in the last few weeks.
On a nationwide level, the Liberal Democrats work exactly the same way. Labour is withered at the moment, it is a strong party with an excellent history with fewer chequers than the Tories, but the Liberal Democrats are offering a change, something different and something powerful.
I have cast my vote; it is in the letterbox right now.
Whether you are voting through the post or joining the ranks in the polling booths, remember that aside from the debates it is about who you vote for in your own constituency and how that vote can best be used if you aren’t utterly encamped in one party’s garden. Otherwise, follow your instincts and vote for the party you know will stick up for not only you, but those who need the most help.
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Tags: Alan Duncan, banks, Conservatives, constituency, David Cameron, David Dimbleby, debate, defence, electorate, Gordon Brown, Grahame Hudson, Labour, leaders debate, Lib Dems, Liberal Democrats, NHS, Nick Clegg, rutland, Rutland and Melton, schools, television, tories, voting. protest
Splendib
A short film I have made on http://www.xtranormal.com about the perils of having a brain but unfortunately having no power.
Splendib
Click to watch Splendib
Thanks for watching. May run with this further.
Filed under: Comedy, editorial, employment, Thoughts, Uncategorized, Work | Leave a Comment
Tags: editorial, splendid, STET, Work
Like I have so many subjects before, I have done an easy-to-digest guide to the Election from my point of view using the alphabet as a vehicle for my inane musings.
A – Apathy. The single biggest decider in this election is apathy. With so many people feeling disenfranchised by Labour and untrusting of the Conservatives, it is little wonder that people have claimed outright that they will be spoiling their election cards and not registering their vote. Unfortunately, in my opinion, if one chooses apathy it negates their argument should they enter into a political discussion of some kind which is why it is a real shame we do not have a genuine protest vote party such as the Monster Raving Looney or a Single Policy Party to fall back on so apathy can be registered in real numbers and not intermingled with people who are genuinely disinterested.
B – Banks. For me, at least, this is a huge factor in the election, in particular the Leaders Debates. Thusfar the Lib Dems appear to be the only party who is willing to kick the bankers into touch and set clearer limits on bonuses. Unfortunately, I am unconvinced that Labour can claw back any power over them after jumping into bed with them at every opportunity over the last decade, and of course the Conservatives are all chums with them, sharing the Krug at Christmas no doubt.
C – Chancellors. Darling, Osborne and Cable. Vince Cable is the reason I have decided to back the Liberal Democrats. Much to the same tune as B, Cable has been outspoken about the bankers’ greed and has lambasted the government’s current relationship with banks as being ‘idiotic’. Darling, I don’t have any fault with, he is a good chancellor but sadly his reign has been throughout the biggest shitstorm in living memory and he has unfortunately become one of the poster-boys for the recession. Osborne I find deeply unpleasant because he reminds me of the smarmy, self-righteous, bloody-minded little toffs I used to go to school with – that and less shallow reasons also.
D – David Cameron. The Guardian Condom. Not sure what he’d sound like off-duty. I mean PROPERLY off-duty. Maybe when he’s not having words pumped up out of his larynx by clever spintrinaquists he sounds like David Beckham. We’ll never know.
E – Election Campaign Trail. You’re sitting down to dinner after a hard day’s work. You lift a forkful of steaming and delicious shepherd’s pie to your ravenous mouth and then *knock knock*. Who is it this time? Bloody Gordon Brown inviting himself in for a helping. Cameron was round here yesterday for afternoon tea and he ate more Jaffa Cakes than I deemed to be socially acceptable.
F – Floating Voters. They’re everywhere! GMTV have a panel of them, many of whom are suspiciously Tory. They ‘decide’ who is going to be elected. Unless they live in a stronghold in which case it’s a nice gesture to make at least.
G – Gordon Brown. A different time, a different place and he could have been a king amongst men. I don’t dislike Brown, what I dislike is everything that orbited his time as Prime Minister before now. Mass youth unemployment and the culling of graduate training schemes and entry-level media jobs has affected me personally and I cannot help but think about the next wave of graduates who will be released into much the same environment. That and cosying up with the greedy fat cats was not cool. And ID cards… that’s a waste of money and all. Anyway, sorry Gordy.
H – Hung Parliament. That’s what the electorate wants and it is most likely what it shall get. A minority win will be a bitter pill to swallow after an era of outright Labour majority should the Conservatives break through. A minority win for the Lib Dems is left field but it would be an utter triumph!
I – I agree with Nick. Don’t we all… Gordon Brown’s puppy-eyed approach to Mr Clegg was both unnerving and a little pathetic, although what a wonderful slogan.
J – Journalists. They’re everywhere! One’s following Cameron around as a chicken, one is set to become a Labour MP, one’s even leading the Liberal Democrats, loads of them are sloping around after Battle Buses and around Civic Centres and church halls. The one thing they all have in common is the group anticipation of waiting for something hilarious to happen. Cameron is winning so far in the hilarity stakes after having an egg thrown at him (not by the journalist in the chicken oddly enough).
K – Kingmaker. Or ‘I am not a…’ as Nick Clegg says of the chance to decide who to make a government coalition with in the (likely) event of there being a hung parliament. He wants the public to decide but has been very critical of Gordon Brown lately, and the zig-zagging Tory popularity puts many Lib Dems off because they feel Tory policies are too far right for the Lib Dems to ever make a happy marriage.
L – Liberal Democrats. The underdogs who enjoyed a 10% majority last week turning the polls upside down. That surge was thanks to the historic TV debate supported by a great deal of microblogging, however, it would be foolish to rest on one’s laurels. A breakthrough it may be, an election majority it is not, what the party CAN do is use this publicity to win over the hearts and minds of the people and rise from there. A party that will benefit low and middle earners and who areat last getting serious media attention and are really getting a grip on the British electorate. Vive la revolution!
M – Manifestos. Have we read them? No, the bitesize versions don’t count.
N – Nick Clegg. The demagogue. The voice of fairness and clarity promising a renaissance in British politics. Nice bloke. Only one who looked through the camera at us plonkers at home during the first Debate. Once referred to as ‘the other one’, now he’s a proper household name and the figurehead of what is turning out to be a very exciting election.
O – Other. Other parties. Not getting much attention at the moment and for good reason, UKIP’s Nigel Farrage was just cringingly, dry-heavingly bad on Have I Got News For You, and the most I’ve heard about Caroline Lucas of the Green Party was a short piece on her environmentally friendly clothes. Yawn.
P – Propaganda. I don’t know about you but there’s a lot of it around here. Yes I’ve been delivering some of it myself but the Alan Duncan MP posters around Rutland and Melton were just nauseating before some bright spark decided to draw phalluses on them and make one into a pirate. Very entertaining, can’t see why we couldn’t keep them up.
Q – Queen Elizabeth II. Will she govern the country if it all goes to pot? Well, er, no, that’d be awful and she can’t anyway because she has no actual power.
R – Reform. We were all crying out for it! Electoral reform was what the country wanted but the Labservatives quashed our hopes and curtailed the campaign for a new system before shredding it completely in favour of the deeply-flawed ‘first past the post’ system. Of course 13 years ago Labour was meant to reform government entirely and get rid of hereditary peers and that didn’t happen so I don’t know why we are all so surprised.
S – Spin. Malcolm Tuckers all over London are calling in favours and throwing minority groups at David Cameron to talk about from all angles. It gets very irritating after a while. Loving the Nick Clegg non-smear campaign this morning. Straws – clutching – at – rearrange those words to make a well known phrase.
T – Television. The opium of the masses (it took over from religion). This Neolithic device may just change everything. Thanks to the Leaders Debates, television has netted thousands more voters and has swayed thousands of floaters. Many thought it was a mistake, the Tories loved it though hailing Cameron as JFK to Brown’s Nixon, however JFK turned out to be Nick Clegg – oh dear, that wasn’t the plan. Damn and blast it!
U – Unemployment. The unpleasant task of stamping down on benefits louts, upping employment and generally keeping idle thumbs busy differs from party to party and it is a key deal maker when trying to snare the over-taxed voter. Cameron wants to keep the youth out of trouble with National Service endorsed by Hollywood’s favourite curmudgeon, Michael Caine. Brown is making sure youngsters out of a job will be on benefits for no longer than 6 months before throwing them into a placement or traineeship. The Lib Dems are taking a leaf out of Germany’s book and upping the number of training places and encouraging youths to stay in school till 18. But what about the social underclasses? What about the people that make cheating on benefits a fine art? No word as of yet on the subject.
V – Vince Cable. The quiet voice of reason behind all those percentages, excuses and promises. A gentler politician with a no-nonsense approach to the boy’s-club way of things that has gone before. Having condemned labour’s grievous errors in giving the banks too much leeway he has secured his place as a public favourite.
W – Wives. We’ve seen a lot of SamCam, now with child – wait, didn’t the Blairs pull that stunt already? Sarah is the one we have taken to our hearts, yes she is an immaculate PR professional but her style, breeziness among celebrities and the Obamas and her generally fashionable appearances have all worked to charm a nation. Miriam Durantez, Mrs Clegg, is much more of an enigma. She has been present for legs of the Lib Dem campaign and she features on Clegg’s current Facebook profile picture but hasn’t been filling the column inches like the other two. Just goes to show that the War of the Wives has little affect on the polls, but we do all enjoy the novelty.
X – Expenses. The primary reason so many people are up in arms about the election. The sleaze, the theft, the presumption, the greed, the ridiculousness of it all had panel shows laughing all the way to the bank with their pockets lined with witty quips and choice sound bites from gaffelicious backbench MPs who didn’t know what had hit them! My particular bones are with Alan Duncan, one of the Expense Scandal’s favourite hard-done-by politicians who was secretly filmed proclaiming MPs had to live on rations and were treated like shit. This after Mr Duncan apparently claimed for a mortgage on a house he had already bought outright (which he was cleared of) as well as thousands worth of gardening*. Hmmm. Well whoever gets into power, the white paper will probably go through allowing us to vote out our corrupt MPs. It is a brilliant system, isn’t it, Alan.
Y – Yes we can. Wait… that’s a different election.
Z – Zeitgeist. With Twitter being an adequate thermometer for how the huddled masses opine about the forthcoming election, the press has also hailed the pub as being the cauldron of public feeling in this election. Of course the grey vote are the single largest voting demographic in the UK and considerably fewer of them are on Twitter and in the pub making a lot of noise and so how much can we really tell from trend and fickle fashion compared to solid lifetime voters who are a lot less flakey.
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Tags: Alan Duncan, Alphabet, bankers, campaign, Conservatives, David Cameron, debate, election, employment, expenses, Facebook, Gordon Brown, Labour, leaders debate, Liberal Democrats, Miriam Durantez, money, Nick Clegg, Politics, Sarah Brown, tax, tories, Twitter, vince cable
There has been a great flux of opinion regarding the tone Brown and Cameron will take. Many are speculating that Brown and Cameron will gang up on Clegg in stark contrast to last week’s debate where he seemed to have veritable playground popularity amongst his political contemporaries. Many believe that Clegg’s popularity can be capitalised on and so the other two leaders will keep pushing the ‘I agree with Nick’ theme we saw last week to lay the bedrocks for a coalition.
What do you think will happen when Clegg meets Brown and Cameron across the stage with Sky News’s Adam Boulton on hand to keep them all in line?
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You may have read Hadley Freeman’s article in response to a query about what is socially acceptable to wear to show your support as a Liberal Democrat supporter. In Hadley’s opinion there is little hope for we Lib Dems who wish to wear our party’s dazzling hues on election day however I beg to differ.
A tricky issue because yellow is a very difficult colour which can barely be carried off by blonde toddlers in the height of summer let alone sad politics geeks like us who are getting blu-tak stains all over our windows and using up our nail varnish remover to remove the ‘cock and ball’ motifs from our little posters of support.
But don’t you know that yellow can be worn with subtlety and panache?
I have some excellent and not at all outlandish suggestions for what a young female Lib Dem supporter can sport on election day. How ever you choose to dress, you will look more normal than somebody deciding to project their BNP or UKIP persuasions through fashion. The Union Jack three piece suit and the Swastika are not items that are incorporated into work-a-day dress. Democracy in general is a more wearable look.
So please find below some choice pieces to wear on election day (preferably all together however you will not be permitted to utter the words ‘subtle’ or ‘understated’ or indeed ‘apathetic’ until after the election).
We start with hosiery. Yellow hosiery is a very tricky look but I think I’ve selected a fine pair of tights that almost anybody can pull off with grace and understated elegance.
Yellow tights
These snazzy tights are available to Lib Dem supporters for £11.00. And for the rest of the general public they are available at the sum of £11.00. Great for that carefree, democratic park picnic you might be having on 6th May. Perhaps your friends and coworkers will think your liver’s finally given out and will knowingly mutter that the jaundice has set in after years of gin abuse.
Or they’ll think you’ve gone mental.
Or they’ll think you’re quirky and cool because you’re wearing yellow tights. But just you wait and see what I’ve coupled them with!
Anyway. Sock Shop for £11.00 for that skin-tight feeling of being a Liberal Democrat. Haha, is there any other kind?
These beauties I am very fond of but I think putting them in an all yellow ensemble makes them even better!
Kurt Geiger court shoes
Now for all intents and purposes this blog entry is meant to be a little tongue in cheek but I do honestly like these and would wear them everywhere.
The quintessentially Lib Dem court shoe with stiletto heel in a Democracy Yellow hue. What yellow blooded female could possibly resist? I think they’ll set off the yellow tights quite gently.
Now for the actual outfit. What better than a frock?
ASOS Yellow Dress
This dress makes one think of a wench churning butter on a warm April day with a daisy chain adorning her décolletage.
An office-friendly dress which will make heads turn.
Perfect for the Lib Dem girl who wants to be taken very seriously about her views.
Suggested that one is careful not to accessorize it too much or it might muddy your message.
Now for the icing on the cake!
Julien McDonald Fascinator
A graceful and elegant appointment to make to any outfit. A Chester Races style fascinator can be worn just as easily as an Alice band or a sowester in the office. All it takes is confidence.
Before you know it people will be taking your political considerations very seriously and will be listening to you with the utmost concentration, however, they may be hiding your scissors.
Some lovely items which I know I’ll be wearing all together on election day. Hadley Freeman, what are you talking about, yellow being a tricky colour? It’s a demonstrably wearable shade and not only looks chic and switched-on (like a lightbulb) but it is cheery and will bring a smile to the faces of your friends and colleagues.
But what about the men? Well. I think you’ll find that yellow suits are hard to come by… and who in their right mind would wear a yellow suit! Dick Tracey isn’t a proper example.
I think you’ll find I came to a rather elegant conclusion for the gentlemen.
Gent's Lib Dem Banana Costume
So there you have it. A very sensible Lib Dem election wardrobe for avid supporters.
Filed under: fashion, Liberal Democrats, Politics, Toughts | Leave a Comment
Tags: banana, BNP, Conservative, election, fashion, Guardian, Hadley Freeman, Lib Dem, Liberal Democrats, tory, ukip, voter, Work, Yellow
So in what has been a whirlwind week and a bit I have now graduated into the world of politics. I’ve been leafleting.
Last week I had dinner with the Rutland and Melton Liberal Democrats and took a few thousand (or so it seems) leaflets off their hands along with a list of streets in my town. You may remember how I turned down the opportunity to buy a device which seamlessly gets your leaflet through a letterbox without fear of hedgehog crumpling or indeed quadruped abuse. I say quadruped because from experience of owning a cat it would be very unfair to blame all mangled flyers dripping in animal slobber waiting to be stepped on in bare feet on a dog. My cat relishes the opportunity to attack naïve fingers as they peek through the letterbox and chew on the corners of kebab shop flyers, then make a nest out of them and then lose interest and go for unsuspecting pondlife/moths etc. Anyway – I wish I’d bought one now.
So I set off yesterday afternoon in the glorious sunshine wearing a plastic yellow beaded necklace I haven’t worn since I was 19 and an undergraduate for want of a rosette (only I don’t want a rosette because I’m not interested in looking like an overgrown member of the Ponyclub). I had a green canvas bag slung over my shoulder piled full of carefully folded leaflets all of whom needed a home.
My first leaflet was a triumph. Straight through the letterbox in one fell swoop before floating gently down to land on the doormat. It looked ethereal and magical through the frosted glass door panel. I was literally gushing with pride. By this point I had been watching through some poor biddy’s front door lower glass panel and if they were at home, I probably looked rather menacing which is entirely the opposite effect I was going for.
The next one was less of a success because I had to encounter The Hedgehog. Now, a hedgehog is the name for one of those brush things people inexplicably affix to their letterboxes. Why? Nobody knows. It is one of those weird truths that is taken as a given… like the monks who each have a piece of the recipe for buckfast not being allowed to fly on the same plane.
Anyway, the hedgehog was sufficiently stiff and unyielding to completely squash my leaflet. Unfortunately it was so far through, I considered for a moment that on the other side of the door some cruel person was sitting waiting for hapless marketers such as myself to have their plans for pristine leaflet distribution ruined like so many car bonnets under a popular tree branch. There’s probably a website full of home videos of poor little hands wriggling through inhospitable letterboxes while the cameraman chuckles evilly.
Needless to say, I thrust it through and ran away. I felt very ashamed and could hear the voices behind the door saying;
Well! If that’s how the Liberal Democrats post their leaflets they’re certainly not getting my vote.
The rest of the council estate carried on as normal. A lot of curtain-twitchers. I chose to counteract their curtain-twitching with a broad smile and a wave. My tactic in all honestly could go one of two ways. Either they think I’m mental and don’t even bother to look at what I’ve posted… or they think I’m mental and reigniting the Monster Raving Looney Party (RIP Lord Such).
Or they could just look at the leaflet but I know how unappealing flyers can be having had so many of them thrust down various openings in clothing and into facial orifices outside Manchester’s Arndale Centre. I really do hope they read it though.
By this point my knuckles are beginning to resemble a Bond villain’s face after the big scuffle and car chase and the hedgehogs are goading me with every lift of a little bronze flap. So rather than struggle, I’m just shoving my hand through to make the best of what will inevitably be a bad job. Remember I have literally THOUSANDS to deliver and so artisan care cannot be administered to every single delivery. I know the intelligent, fair, democratic electorate will believe me.
So I get into a new habit of posting my hand each time and not just the paper (obviously I retract my hand each time after releasing the leaflet). So I come to a very ordinary house and a very ordinary door. I push my hand through and think to myself;
Mmm, what a warm, moist house.
Wait….
BARK BARK BARK!
What I considered to be a warm, moist house was in fact warm, moist dog breath. So now I’m not only having to worry about exfoliating several layers of skin off my right hand, but I also have to worry about the lack of skin being the least of my worries after being beaten to the post by lack of limbs.
The scariest of all the houses I delivered to was not one of the ones which had BEWARE OF BULL TERRIER plastered on the frosted glass panel. Nor was it one of the ones with an actual Bull Terrior in the front garden snarling at me with those beady black eyes. The scariest house had a squeaky gate, drawn curtains and dusty windows plus piles of rubbish in the front garden including some very unwell looking Santa Clauses with various missing appendages. The letterbox was very stiff and stuffed with kebab shop flyers. Nobody had used the door in a very long time. I thought I’d better make a move before a zombie answered the door (and believe me, there are enough of the living dead in Rutland already without me having to make acquaintances with another).
I only met two actual people even though I saw a lot of people in their front rooms on a beautiful Sunday afternoon watching television. The first was a woman who was seemingly sweeping her gravel driveway. I offered her a leaflet and she accepted it with the sort of smile akin to a world-weary primary school teacher being given yet another worm from the playground (I know that withering look so well).
The second was a man who had watched me leaflet most of his little street. I could feel him watching me so strode up and gave him a leaflet, feeling rather proud of being the standard bearer for a cause I agree to whole-heartedly with.
Aye. So who do you want me to vote for then?
Uhhh! Shit! Quick! Look at the paper. The Liberal Democrats. That looked verrrry unconvincing.
The man have me a shifty look and I steeled myself for the inevitable barrage of disapproval.
Hmmm. Nice one, ducky! I’m quite keen on them.
Hurray! Although it doesn’t look very good if I don’t remember what they are called, does it. I mean… OF COURSE I know who the Liberal Democrats are, I’m not completely stupid. I’m handing out election material on their behalf because I want them to get elected, I am just extraordinarily daft and struggle under questioning. This is why I am a journalist. I am very good at asking questions but give me a question to answer and I’m easily flummoxed.
In all, a good haul. Rutland has thusfar been extremely obliging to me on my little quest to promote our Lib Dem candidate Grahame Hudson and it is cheering to see so much support. If you see a 20-something black-haired girl looking stupidly cheerful with a big green bag of leaflets crunching up your drive then please don’t throw anything at me. And please have the foresight to trim your hedgehogs. My hands are killing me today.
Filed under: Liberal Democrats, Politics, Toughts | Leave a Comment
Tags: Conservative, dogs, election, electorate, friendly, government, Grahame Hudson, hands, hedgehogs, knuckles, Labour, leafleting, letterbox, Liberal Democrats, Melton Mowbray, Nick Clegg, pain, prime minister, rutland, vote
No I’m not, I’m just going to bite the bullet and jump on the bandwagon.
With the election in full swing, it is hard not to lapse into serious political ponderment in rare quiet moments during the day. As a channel-hopper between GMTV and BBC my day starts with Bill Turnbull or John Stapleton followed by radio news bulletins summarising the current political events in Shreddies sized digestible portions delivered in such a way that it will tide me over until mid-morning coffee and a scan of the Guardian website Comment is Free page and the BBC news. At lunch I sit at my desk like a complete saddo and vent my journalism spleen at like-minded CiF readers (that is if I can find an article that I feel confident enough to write about without feeling under qualified) and then have scan of the front pages in the cafeteria. These are mostly the sorts of tabloids that show busty women wearing very little clothing sneering out at girls who will never get paid for their looks such as myself so it doesn’t take long for me to lose interest and avoid being lectured by the cashier who harangues me for never buying anything and stealing stirrers, sugar packets and plastic cutlery. In the afternoon I’m usually trying to meet deadlines so very little time for news unless I have no deadlines in which case there is always a news website window open for me to catch a glance at.
When I get home, I am exhausted. I catch the news before the One Show while I do a puzzle or make dinner (it’s quite easy to ignore the One Show and I like the background noise) and then I usually call it a day news-wise until the next morning. These days I can’t sit through a whole Question Time or Newsnight anyway.
Tonight, however will be an exception.
Tonight is one of those rare things like ‘that’ Question Time last autumn, where normal people like you and I will tune in to watch politics reach another media milestone. Will it be like the QT circus? I hope not, but let’s find out when at 20.30 ITV will be hosting the first of three election debates between the leaders of the three main parties.
I’ll be Tweeting along like last time however my microblogging will not be one of the 500 selected to monitor the temperature of the general public in an attempt to ascertain how the public feel.
I learned last night that out of the voting population, very few of them are on Twitter and so I doubt that these results will accurately reflect the way the British public will swing.
Last night I attended my first ever Liberal Democrats meeting. How did I end up there in the first place is interesting enough. Lets start from the beginning.
Last Friday (6 days ago), I was feeling very down in the dumps about the election. I live in a Tory stronghold with Expenses Scandal poster-boy Alan Duncan at the helm. The propaganda had just started to creep up as Duncy is chums with all the wealthy landowners who are only too happy to channel some of their Life and Liberty venom into a little bit of corrugated plastic-stapling. Duncy is likely to get in again despite his forehead-slappingly bad media appearances of late because… well… it’s Middle England, isn’t it.
So what does a frustrated young voter do? She turns to the internet for help. I joined the Lib Dems and filled in the little tick-box questionnaire on their website declaring I want to help (careful not to tick the box that says ‘I’m interested in becoming a candidate’).
Saturday morning and I’m still in bed. Dad’s chatting loudly to somebody. Can’t quite tell if he’s talking animatedly and enthusiastically or if he’s really upset. Find out at breakfast that it’s my local Lib Dem agent bringing round a poster, bumper sticker and leaflet. The poster went up immediately (primarily to annoy the neighbours as we live in a cul-de-sac so it’s not going to have much political sway with the greater populous. I got into a dialogue with the agent and his wife via the internet and before I know it I’m having dinner with the whole gang five days later!
The Rutland and Melton Lib Dems have their informal dinners at a nice bistro in the little village of Whissendine. I took my dad with me as he used to canvass in Edinburgh and I knew he’d help break the ice. I was gathered in by the cheery group and enjoyed bouncing from conversation to conversation and was put at a table with an ex agent and his wife, an ex independent candidate who sided with the Lib Dems after a nasty Tory-led smear campaign scuppered her chances at local government level, the political candidate Grahame Hudson and his wife Bernadette, and my father. Dinner, small-talk and then some rousing speeches where Les, the ever-cheerful agent bolstered everybody’s optimism before handing over to Grahame who spoke of his warm feelings towards the group as well as the changes that are being made and the efforts that are being carried out.
In both speeches my name was read out because seemingly nobody has ever applied to help a campaign for the Rutland and Melton LibDems through the internet. The fact that I am an avid Tweeter, Facebooker and blogger only added to the novelty.
Out of all of those people, I was the only one who had anything to say about using the wonders of the world wide web. And the polls tonight are going to be based on, quite frankly, students, political bloggers, bored graduates (such as myself) and social-networking nerds. Hardly a good cross-section of the general public, is it?
We are talking a group of 18 – 35 year olds who have a university degree and are most likely living a middle-class lifestyle. In short, they read the Guardian and order Corona with lime at the pub to go with their kettle chips.
I should be pleased that the demographic will most likely lean towards Clegg but it will all stack up and stack up before the mighty destruction that will be the anticlimax on election night given the current gaping hole between voting demographics.
As far as I can see, there are two ends of the electorate spectrum and each side seems to miss the other like ships in the night where campaigning and innovation is concerned. There’s the older generation, the hard-bitten, loyal, bald-knuckled-from-pushing-leaflets-through-letterboxes type people who do not use the internet. This is the grey vote, the single largest voting demographic in the country. The graduate vote is online, blogging, Tweeting, putting their views on Facebook. A fast-growing and marginal demographic that are keen to feel involved in politics, however they are moving through technology faster than the grey vote.
The polls taken from tonight’s TV debate Twitter-scale are from the latter group only and I doubt we will get a clear picture from that alone.
Please follow me as Rosebiscuit on Twitter. I will be following each of the three election debates on Twitter live. The first is tonight at 8.30pm on ITV.
Filed under: Journalism, Liberal Democrats, News, Politics, television, Toughts, Twitter, Writing | 1 Comment
Tags: 2010, agents, Alan Duncan, BBC, blogging, Conservatives, election, electorate, Facebook, GMTV, graduates, grey vote, ITV, Labour, Lib Dem, Liberal Democrats, live debates, Melton, News, Politics, rutland, Twitter, voting
If I won the lottery…
A favourite Friday afternoon discussion at the office happens at around 2pm, after everybody has had lunch and the boss returns with our lottery syndicate numbers. Seven rows a week plus seven rows on the Euromillions if the motion is carried by a general consensus.
The discussion is an orgy of greed, aspiration and gluttony. That of the possibilities open to us if we won the lottery jackpot. Or even just a couple of hundred thousand… that would do nicely.
Obviously enough, the first thing people tend to go for is a holiday. After all, we do work in the business of writing about them. So a holiday in the Caribbean or the Indian Ocean, sometimes a cruise. These things all seem to vary only slightly from person to person. According to the National Lottery website, a holiday is indeed one of the first things a jackpot winner will buy. Probably to get away from home and work and enjoy the cash before all the serious stuff happens. And the serious stuff follows on very quickly after that. People camping outside winners’ homes and writing them letters, approaching them doing the weekly shop. Not something to look forward to but certainly a symptom of being given all that money so quickly.
But you are surely responsible for doing some good with your money? Surely the holiday should be the reward for divvying up the loot and sorting your family out first? I couldn’t relax properly knowing I still had to do all that when I came home. And even if you did want a holiday, there are too many amazing places in the world to choose from to have just one dream holiday!
So all things considered, if I were to be entreated to a little windfall of my own then here is what I would personally spend it on.
Firstly, I would hoik myself out of the mountainous debt that I am buried under thanks to two degrees and a greedy compulsion to buy things. Although I have never had a credit card, so I can’t be as bad as some (Sophie Kinsella’s Shopaholic series comforts me every so often in that fact).
So, after doing that I would help my parents out. Pay off the house, get the contractors in and if need be, move them to another house in the style of the old movie stars who, unable to commit to a spring clean, would up sticks and move a block away.
Then I would have to give some to my partner’s family and to him, of course… Same sort of thing.
Then I would pay for my brothers’ university fees (prospectively) and buy my partner a new car.
Then I would take a proportionate amount and give it to Christie’s Hospital in Manchester, Leicester Royal Infirmary, Barnardos and the Brooke trust (the one that helps beasts of burden in sub-Saharan Africa that always makes me cry) – all charities I care very much for and in some cases have a personal attachment to so as to dilute the feeling of wretchedness knowing it would be impossible to help everybody.
Is that all the boring stuff done yet? No, first I have to buy my way out of my contract at work and find a nice little place where myself and my partner can call home. Perhaps somewhere in Manchester near Spinningfields and all the new finance offices? A view of the Irwell perhaps? In any case, a three-bedroom with underground parking, a brand new kitchen, a sauna and a big bathtub. Then I would kit it out with John Lewis furniture and fabrics from Liberties and bits and bobs from Heels and maybe the odd indulgence of some Armani or Zara Egyptian cotton bedding. I could get the interiors of the Madinat hotel in Dubai if I wanted. All Le Creuset kitchen things. In cobalt, not burnt orange. Including the miniature heart-shaped ramekins with little lids with button-sized knobs.
Then I would buy an iPhone. I always put off upgrading my technology because there is no need with my lifestyle. I know girls my age with Blackberries who work as bar staff and don’t even use Twitter. I mean, come on.
Finally, after all my affairs were in order with work and I had a clear run knowing I could spend the next couple of years working on my book before I could plan a holiday.
Now this is where I would go (and working on holidays all day certainly does make it easy to plan where to go if money were no object).
Fly first class to Dubai on Emirates and book a private car to take us to Atlantis, The Palm for seven nights and the Madinat for another seven. There we would eat at Nobu, drink at Neo’s in town, spend a day at Sega Republic, spend a day buying stuff for the apartment, tour Dubai and the Heritage Village and all the museums and spend the rest of the time at leisure.
Then we would fly home and after another couple of months, fly out to New York, business class on Virgin Atlantic, staying at the Waldorf Astoria for five days doing all the cheesy tourist stuff including taking a whole day (perhaps longer) to explore the Met. We’d eat at the Four Seasons and go ice skating, shopping, take a limo to the Empire State Building. I’d get some diamon stud e Then home again for a short respite before the big holiday.
We’d fly ten of our friends out to Vegas for five nights and do all the amazing stuff I did when I went last. We’d stay at The Wynn Hotel and eat in all the restaurants. We’d go on the roller coaster at New York New York and go on a helicopter ride to the Grand Canyon. Drink at Dick’s Last Resort in the Excalibur and throw soggy tissues at customers (as is the custom – not because we are socially inept). Go out dancing and drinking and generally make fools of ourselves in all the casinos. Bliss. With friends, with cocktails, fancy frocks and a bit of luxury thrown in.
And then, if we had enough money left to last us a few years and keep us happy and in our luxury apartment comfortably for at least ten years then we would go to India. The one place on my list that I haven’t been to yet. We’d stay somewhere beautiful near Delhi and eat the amazing food, see the sights and bring back loads of spices, material and cooking pots for making curries at home. A culinary pilgrimage if ever there was one.
So, that is all I can think of. I feel rather like I have been binging on boutique chocolates after that. Now for some much needed frugality and a brief check of my bank statement.
Filed under: Dreams, money, Toughts, Writing | 2 Comments
Tags: apartment, Armani, Atlantis, Curry, debt, Delhi, Dubai, Euromillions, Excalibur, family, holidays, India, Las Vegas, Lottery, luxury, Madinat, money, National Lottery, New York, office, partner, Sophie Kinsella, syndicate, Waldorf Astoria, Wynn, Zara
Thoughts of a Media Impostor 