Media Impostor’s A – Z of the Election


Like I have so many subjects before, I have done an easy-to-digest guide to the Election from my point of view using the alphabet as a vehicle for my inane musings.

A – Apathy. The single biggest decider in this election is apathy. With so many people feeling disenfranchised by Labour and untrusting of the Conservatives, it is little wonder that people have claimed outright that they will be spoiling their election cards and not registering their vote. Unfortunately, in my opinion, if one chooses apathy it negates their argument should they enter into a political discussion of some kind which is why it is a real shame we do not have a genuine protest vote party such as the Monster Raving Looney or a Single Policy Party to fall back on so apathy can be registered in real numbers and not intermingled with people who are genuinely disinterested.

B – Banks. For me, at least, this is a huge factor in the election, in particular the Leaders Debates. Thusfar the Lib Dems appear to be the only party who is willing to kick the bankers into touch and set clearer limits on bonuses. Unfortunately, I am unconvinced that Labour can claw back any power over them after jumping into bed with them at every opportunity over the last decade, and of course the Conservatives are all chums with them, sharing the Krug at Christmas no doubt.

C – Chancellors. Darling, Osborne and Cable. Vince Cable is the reason I have decided to back the Liberal Democrats. Much to the same tune as B, Cable has been outspoken about the bankers’ greed and has lambasted the government’s current relationship with banks as being ‘idiotic’. Darling, I don’t have any fault with, he is a good chancellor but sadly his reign has been throughout the biggest shitstorm in living memory and he has unfortunately become one of the poster-boys for the recession. Osborne I find deeply unpleasant because he reminds me of the smarmy, self-righteous, bloody-minded little toffs I used to go to school with – that and less shallow reasons also.

D – David Cameron. The Guardian Condom. Not sure what he’d sound like off-duty. I mean PROPERLY off-duty. Maybe when he’s not having words pumped up out of his larynx by clever spintrinaquists he sounds like David Beckham. We’ll never know.

E – Election Campaign Trail. You’re sitting down to dinner after a hard day’s work. You lift a forkful of steaming and delicious shepherd’s pie to your ravenous mouth and then *knock knock*. Who is it this time? Bloody Gordon Brown inviting himself in for a helping. Cameron was round here yesterday for afternoon tea and he ate more Jaffa Cakes than I deemed to be socially acceptable.

F – Floating Voters. They’re everywhere! GMTV have a panel of them, many of whom are suspiciously Tory. They ‘decide’ who is going to be elected. Unless they live in a stronghold in which case it’s a nice gesture to make at least.

G – Gordon Brown. A different time, a different place and he could have been a king amongst men. I don’t dislike Brown, what I dislike is everything that orbited his time as Prime Minister before now. Mass youth unemployment and the culling of graduate training schemes and entry-level media jobs has affected me personally and I cannot help but think about the next wave of graduates who will be released into much the same environment. That and cosying up with the greedy fat cats was not cool. And ID cards… that’s a waste of money and all. Anyway, sorry Gordy.

H – Hung Parliament. That’s what the electorate wants and it is most likely what it shall get. A minority win will be a bitter pill to swallow after an era of outright Labour majority should the Conservatives break through. A minority win for the Lib Dems is left field but it would be an utter triumph!

I – I agree with Nick. Don’t we all… Gordon Brown’s puppy-eyed approach to Mr Clegg was both unnerving and a little pathetic, although what a wonderful slogan.

J – Journalists. They’re everywhere! One’s following Cameron around as a chicken, one is set to become a Labour MP, one’s even leading the Liberal Democrats, loads of them are sloping around after Battle Buses and around Civic Centres and church halls. The one thing they all have in common is the group anticipation of waiting for something hilarious to happen. Cameron is winning so far in the hilarity stakes after having an egg thrown at him (not by the journalist in the chicken oddly enough).

K – Kingmaker. Or ‘I am not a…’ as Nick Clegg says of the chance to decide who to make a government coalition with in the (likely) event of there being a hung parliament. He wants the public to decide but has been very critical of Gordon Brown lately, and the zig-zagging Tory popularity puts many Lib Dems off because they feel Tory policies are too far right for the Lib Dems to ever make a happy marriage.

L – Liberal Democrats. The underdogs who enjoyed a 10% majority last week turning the polls upside down. That surge was thanks to the historic TV debate supported by a great deal of microblogging, however, it would be foolish to rest on one’s laurels. A breakthrough it may be, an election majority it is not, what the party CAN do is use this publicity to win over the hearts and minds of the people and rise from there. A party that will benefit low and middle earners and who areat last getting serious media attention and are really getting a grip on the British electorate. Vive la revolution!

M – Manifestos. Have we read them? No, the bitesize versions don’t count.

N – Nick Clegg. The demagogue. The voice of fairness and clarity promising a renaissance in British politics. Nice bloke. Only one who looked through the camera at us plonkers at home during the first Debate. Once referred to as ‘the other one’, now he’s a proper household name and the figurehead of what is turning out to be a very exciting election.

O – Other. Other parties. Not getting much attention at the moment and for good reason, UKIP’s Nigel Farrage was just cringingly, dry-heavingly bad on Have I Got News For You, and the most I’ve heard about Caroline Lucas of the Green Party was a short piece on her environmentally friendly clothes. Yawn.

P – Propaganda. I don’t know about you but there’s a lot of it around here. Yes I’ve been delivering some of it myself but the Alan Duncan MP posters around Rutland and Melton were just nauseating before some bright spark decided to draw phalluses on them and make one into a pirate. Very entertaining, can’t see why we couldn’t keep them up.

Q – Queen Elizabeth II. Will she govern the country if it all goes to pot? Well, er, no, that’d be awful and she can’t anyway because she has no actual power.

R – Reform. We were all crying out for it! Electoral reform was what the country wanted but the Labservatives quashed our hopes and curtailed the campaign for a new system before shredding it completely in favour of the deeply-flawed ‘first past the post’ system. Of course 13 years ago Labour was meant to reform government entirely and get rid of hereditary peers and that didn’t happen so I don’t know why we are all so surprised.

S – Spin. Malcolm Tuckers all over London are calling in favours and throwing minority groups at David Cameron to talk about from all angles. It gets very irritating after a while. Loving the Nick Clegg non-smear campaign this morning. Straws – clutching – at – rearrange those words to make a well known phrase.

T – Television. The opium of the masses (it took over from religion). This Neolithic device may just change everything. Thanks to the Leaders Debates, television has netted thousands more voters and has swayed thousands of floaters. Many thought it was a mistake, the Tories loved it though hailing Cameron as JFK to Brown’s Nixon, however JFK turned out to be Nick Clegg –  oh dear, that wasn’t the plan. Damn and blast it!

U – Unemployment. The unpleasant task of stamping down on benefits louts, upping employment and generally keeping idle thumbs busy differs from party to party and it is a key deal maker when trying to snare the over-taxed voter. Cameron wants to keep the youth out of trouble with National Service endorsed by Hollywood’s favourite curmudgeon, Michael Caine. Brown is making sure youngsters out of a job will be on benefits for no longer than 6 months before throwing them into a placement or traineeship. The Lib Dems are taking a leaf out of Germany’s book and upping the number of training places and encouraging youths to stay in school till 18. But what about the social underclasses? What about the people that make cheating on benefits a fine art? No word as of yet on the subject.

V – Vince Cable. The quiet voice of reason behind all those percentages, excuses and promises. A gentler politician with a no-nonsense approach to the boy’s-club way of things that has gone before. Having condemned labour’s grievous errors in giving the banks too much leeway he has secured his place as a public favourite.

W –  Wives. We’ve seen a lot of SamCam, now with child – wait, didn’t the Blairs pull that stunt already? Sarah is the one we have taken to our hearts, yes she is an immaculate PR professional but her style, breeziness among celebrities and the Obamas and her generally fashionable appearances have all worked to charm a nation. Miriam Durantez, Mrs Clegg, is much more of an enigma. She has been present for legs of the Lib Dem campaign and she features on Clegg’s current Facebook profile picture but hasn’t been filling the column inches like the other two. Just goes to show that the War of the Wives has little affect on the polls, but we do all enjoy the novelty.

X – Expenses. The primary reason so many people are up in arms about the election. The sleaze, the theft, the presumption, the greed, the ridiculousness of it all had panel shows laughing all the way to the bank with their pockets lined with witty quips and choice sound bites from gaffelicious backbench MPs who didn’t know what had hit them! My particular bones are with Alan Duncan, one of the Expense Scandal’s favourite hard-done-by politicians who was secretly filmed proclaiming MPs had to live on rations and were treated like shit. This after Mr Duncan apparently claimed for a mortgage on a house he had already bought outright (which he was cleared of) as well as thousands worth of gardening*. Hmmm. Well whoever gets into power, the white paper will probably go through allowing us to vote out our corrupt MPs. It is a brilliant system, isn’t it, Alan.

Y – Yes we can. Wait… that’s a different election.

Z – Zeitgeist. With Twitter being an adequate thermometer for how the huddled masses opine about the forthcoming election, the press has also hailed the pub as being the cauldron of public feeling in this election. Of course the grey vote are the single largest voting demographic in the UK and considerably fewer of them are on Twitter and in the pub making a lot of noise and so how much can we really tell from trend and fickle fashion compared to solid lifetime voters who are a lot less flakey.


One Response to “Media Impostor’s A – Z of the Election”

  1. 1 blackrosebags

    Note: You forgot to add that Gordon Brown sold off (sorry gave away) the country’s gold reserve!!!

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